beyond painful memory

I feel a bubbling up of something in my heart, but can't quite check it's pulse. I'm yearning for more in life... can feel it reaching out with fury and wonder. Maybe these times of yearning are a response to whispers from heaven, messages to our very soul urging us to dig deeper and find a more fulfilling existence. To catch hold of God's purpose for each of our lives... that purpose which will leave a lasting impression on the world we will someday leave behind.

I want to create, to dance, to paint, to run, to hold, and to write...

The whispers have been speaking to me of seeking out God's beauty and his love in the world around me. To living each moment to it's fullest potential. To find joy in the everyday experiences we've been given. A friend who read my last blog entry (beyond busy), gave me a book called "one thousand gifts", in which the author describes her journey in learning a similar life lesson. I have a lot of the book left to go, but it is speaking to my heart and I feel God has brought me on the same road of discovery.

It's been 3 months since Grace died. Three months since I laid beside her in bed, cradling her head and kissing her cheek. Three months since I startled awake in her room. Knowing before I put my ear to her chest that she was gone even though she was still pink and warm. Three months of seeing her too still body lying on the bed, life and pink and warmth draining away beneath my hands. Each memory of it bringing an ache I cannot describe or even fully comprehend. Joe struggles with the memories of the final weeks of her life. Reliving the horror of watching her struggle to find breath, to suppress the torrential coughing. I remember, but for some reason don't live there. Instead, I am plagued by her final moment, although peaceful... the realization that she was lost to us. That our arms will be empty of her until we see each other again on the other side. That last day I was relieved that her struggle was over, but I can't get the picture of her on that bed... so still... so silent... out of my head.

The whispers of heaven to my soul... the yearnings of my heart for purpose... the seeking out of joy in each moment, so intermixed with grief and pain. I realize that when I think of death now, my first thought is of seeing Grace and having her introduce me to Jesus in the flesh. Fully alive, dancing and loud. The amazement of that moment gets me though any fear of one day dying. In the meantime, this earth journey continues as I look into the baby blues of Mae and Joy. The security found in Joe's arms. The peace I find in the art of a woman called Joy hanging on my living room wall. The beauty in the uniqueness of each snowflake creation falling outside the window today. The soul stirrings to look intentionally for the good and pure around me. So much to learn... but I am seeking and finding God's gifts of beauty beyond the pain on this journey.

Beyond busy

I didn't realize how much of life I have always taken for granted. People say things like stop and smell the roses... but come on. Who has that kind of time, energy or focus? Grace's life has been teaching me that each day on this earth is a gift given by God Almighty to be completely savored. We miss out on so much as we run through life, passing it all by.

I get inpatient with my kids. I have places to go... things to do! I tell them to get in the car and they wander past the door and gleefully jump in the snow, look at a rock stuck in the ice, or scrape picture patterns into the windows made by crystals. It makes me crazy (and late) but I am starting to realize they may be onto something...

I drove to Red Wing, MN to meet up with two of my closest friends from high school a few days ago. It was snowing (again), and at first I was annoyed and even a little worried. The roads were slippery and I was following map quest (not always a pleasant experience). I had the radio playing and about 45 minutes into the drive my soul started to settle into worship. It was then that I realized the snow falling around me was beautiful as the sun would peak out from time to time literally making the air and rolling hills around me glitter and dance with brilliant white sparkles. There were trees far off on the horizon separating earth and sky which otherwise would have appeared one in the same. The road would ebb and weave and because of the weather I rarely saw another car... I had the world to myself, the only one enjoying the show. I drove under a series of large oak trees leaning over the road. Each one a stark contrast to the brilliant white all around. Each branch an intricate design of lines and interwoven patterns. The trees seemed to be reaching out over the road instead of growing upward, as if they were trying to provide protection for those beneath. I hardly realized I was slowing down or looking up, and was surprised when my hand hit the ceiling of the car. I was so intrigued I had forgotten I was driving and actually expected to touch the branches far above me. The shock of the abrupt stop brought me back to reality and away from the trees and the tear that had formed in my eye. I laughed at myself but in the same moment thanked God for the reminder that each breath in this world He created can hold beauty if we chose to really see it.

Romans 1:19-20a "For since the beginning of the world, Gods invisible qualities- his eternal power and divine nature- have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made..." When is the last time you stopped to really smell a rose, see the reaching arms of a strong oak on a winter day, feel the warm sweetness of your child's kiss on your cheek, taste the tingling of a fresh strawberry on your tongue, or to hear an unseen bird sing you a song? There are fingerprints of God's love for us everywhere. Life means more when I realize I can chose to truly live fully in each moment. Join me in exploring the world with new eyes today.

Beyond a birthday

"We love you, Grace!", was what we shouted as we released a rainbow of balloons heavenward. Many of them carried handwritten messages of love to Grace from those of us left here missing her so much. Joy's note said she loved and missed her sister. Mae was just wondering if she could have cake in heaven, and said she loved her. (smile) Grace's birthday was a painful day for us, but was made lighter by many friends and family who supported us through it. Thank you so much to those of you who sent cards, made phone calls and left facebook messages and e-mails. They really did help us through another "first" without Grace here.

We ate an angel food cake to commemorate the day of remembrance, and looked at pictures and let some tears fall. Mae had a good day at school. Many of the kids and teachers wore their t-shirts from Grace's benefit as a way to honor her on her birthday. Mae thought it was so cool to see Grace's picture everywhere she went that day. We are so thankful for such an amazing family of friends that surround her each and every day.

I can't help wondering what Grace was doing in heaven on her birthday? I wish more than anything that I could have gotten just a glimpse. I imagined her in the midst of a celestial party with such beautifully alive music playing that it filled everyone up... the swells of sound making everyone move with a joy they could not contain. I pictured her surrounded by our friends and family who are there with her. The sound of her laughter filling the air. Blowing out candles on the shores of a breathtaking crystal sea. Spinning and dancing with Jesus himself. Celebrating God's creation of her and praising Him for the amazing gift of the joy of heaven. I cannot wait to share moments like those with her again...

Mae had an entry in an art and academic fair that evening at school too. We were so proud of her. She had to present her project during the day to an evaluator and just beamed when she got to show it off to her grandparents and auntie at the fair. A child who could not communicate at 3 years of age, and who didn't even understand most of what we said at that point... at 7 years old Mae is a living, breathing miracle. She amazes us every day with her sweet heart, intelligence and love for life.

We are trying to see beyond a birthday without Grace here to focus on a heaven more alive and full with her in it. Our pain for ourselves is forever mixed with joy for her.

Beyond Tears

Grief is a powerful thing. I'm not a crier, but I'm telling you I can't shut it down lately. I don't feel clinically depressed... maybe I'm just softer somehow. Seeing Grace's pictures on the wall or her clothes on her sister, the smell of grilled cheese sandwiches, or hearing her sisters casually mention her name. Tears fall as fast as they form. Joy answers her own question when she sees us cry now. "What's wrong, Mommy/Daddy?" is always quickly followed by, "You miss Grace , Mom/Dad?". I'm tired of hurting. I wish I could wish it away. To be happy for Grace's adventure in heaven and move on from the constant ache for her. But I'm her mom, and I know I will never really feel complete again without her here. I don't want to be a debbie downer, it's hard to hang out with people who hurt, but in this blog I've committed to being real... and it really hurts. Most people are moving on to new things, the lessons Grace taught taken to heart but when she wasn't part of peoples every day it's easier to move forward. I hope reading about our journey through tears you can help other families who have lost someone close to them. Healing doesn't happen in weeks, or months... it takes years (based on my experience of loosing my best friend 7 years ago). Complete healing takes a lifetime...

Grace's birthday is this week on the 18th. We've been talking for months about what to do for that day. I still don't know for sure what the day will look like. The girls expect a cake, but it feels weird to celebrate. They assured me they can blow out her candles for her. Do we put 10 candles on a cake? Is she 10? I don't know how aging works in heaven. With eternal bodies, will anyone keep track of the passing of another year? I mean to us she will always be 9 years old. Maybe we put a 10 on the cake and light 1 candle. Remembering her earthly age while celebrating her first year in heaven. I'm likely over analizing this, but I keep thinking if I can figure it out I'll know what to do. I'm thinking we may throw a pizza party for the oncology floor at Children's that day. It was always one of Grace's favorite things to take part in while we were "in"... and the child life specialist always commented that we had to have a party whenever Grace was there. Paying it forward would feel good. The weather is supposed to be warmer here, so maybe we can release balloons at her grave site that day. It was too cold in December to do that and I think the kids would think it was cool. We will also be at school that evening for an Art & Academic Fair that Mae is taking part in. Guess what she's making? Big shocker... a big paper mache rainbow. (She makes them EVERYDAY. It's part of her grieving process I think. Her way of keeping Grace close to her. The picture on this post is one she drew for Grace during her last days here on earth.) It also seems a fitting way to spend our day, looking at Mae's rainbow in the sea of other projects done by Mae & Grace's many friends. OK, so maybe we do have our day planned after all.

I fear a year from now getting beyond tears will still be incredibly hard. Lately I really want to pull the covers over my head and not come out until my heart feels better. Since that isn't an option I will resign myself to tears for now and continue to seek the joy in life Grace so easily found. I do find it for periods of time. Mae & Joy keep us laughing. They constantly remind us we have to keep moving forward as much as we keep looking back. They help us focus beyond tears for a time... thank you, God, for the gift of our girls.

Beyond Understanding

Yesterday was over the top emotional for me. I spent some time in the morning with the funeral home finalizing Grace's gravestone. It is sparkly blue and has her name, birth date, heaven date, and the inscription "Dancing with Jesus". I smile through streams of tears when I think of her dancing in heaven. Lets just say Grace had a style all her own, and you can not see her dance in your head without giggling a little. But even joyful thoughts are painful right now. Another reminder that she is beyond the reach of our arms to pull her into a hug. The stone also has an angel casting a rainbow to the world... helping us to never forget God's love through our journey here with Grace. On the opposite side is a butterfly... a symbol of the hope of eternity and our future with her. There's something about seeing her name on a gravestone that hurts more deeply than anything before this. The finality of her being gone from this life makes me weep. I just don't understand.

Shortly after that my mom called to say my sister had been sent to the hospital by the clinic to have her baby. She had asked me to be there when the time came and I had been looking forward to the day with mixed emotions. What if I broke down and had to leave her during labor? I wanted to be helpful, but with my bum arm knew I would be limited. I also didn't want to be a distraction from what was her joy, and certainly didn't want to divide the attentions of anyone else there. My mom picked me up and we were there for the delivery. It was incredibly hard, but I did manage to hold it together for the most part until after it was all done. During labor scriptures were read that had been prayed over Grace, verses we had claimed for her were now being used to focus my sister through her pain. Songs were playing that we sang over Grace, now being sung in preparation of new life entering the world. The baby was born and all was well. Her dark hair and the shape of her nose reminded me so much of Grace in her own delivery room 10 years ago this month. My sister was a rock, and did such an amazing job! I wanted to purely celebrate in the moment of joy with her. The baby is such a beautifully perfect gift from heaven, but my heart was bleeding and I had to bolt. My poor mom. I was weeping in one room while my sister was rejoicing in the next. I was mourning a loss while she was celebrating new life. My mom and other sister went back and forth between us. After asking if it was OK, the baby was given Grace's middle name. I probably shouldn't have been there. I knew it would be difficult for me, but it was harder than I thought it would be and it wasn't very fair to be a distraction to everyone else. I did pull it together long enough to go congratulate my sister and her husband, and kiss the baby's sweet head. I don't understand.

I went from the hospital home, then immediately on to help at a benefit for "Jon" a friend of ours in the midst of his difficult fight against cancer. He is a dad with 5 little kids and a beautiful wife. There was a great turnout and it warmed my heart to see many of my friends who didn't even know "Jon" except through us there to support the family. Many of them were even helping directly with the benefit... including my mom and dad, a friend who's daughter is also in a fight to win her battle against cancer, several friends from church, and a friend who's daughter was Grace's classmate in school. Thanks to all of you! It was an amazing night, and I know the family feels so blessed by it all. So many families.... so many struggles. I don't understand.

I'm trying to pull out a teachable moment here, but am not sure where I am left today. I don't understand the whys of this life. I know I never will. How such contrasting things can exist together... life, death, joy, confusion... but they do. We're each left to sort it out in our own ways, each through the lens of our own experiences. Day's like today I am thankful for my family, friends and faith. To have a rock to stand on when things don't feel secure. To know God understands beyond my understanding.

Beyond the Unlovable

Every person I know struggles with something, and most have recurrent issues... you know what I'm talking about. Those feelings or obstacles that keep coming up even when you think you've gotten beyond them. Inadequacy is one of those deep seeded issues for me.

When I was a kid, I had some issues that in my own mind at the time made me unlovable. I had buck teeth, unruly curly hair, knobby knees and was painfully shy. I got teased relentlessly for a couple years in elementary school on the bus and it's taken a long time to believe God's whispers in my ear over satan's shouting lies. Satan mocks me with, "You are ugly, awkward and have nothing to say that anyone would want to hear". It's easy to believe because I bought into it for so long. But God says, "You are exactly who I created you to be, and in my eyes you are beautiful (Psalm 139: 13-16). You are my child, a princess as I am the King (John 1: 12-13). If I am for you, why do you worry so much about what others think?" (Romans 8:28-31) When I really let these verses settle in my heart and use my spiritual ears to hear the truth of God, I believe it's true.

Satan knows my point of weakness and often tries new tactics to keep me quiet. Guilt tied to the unlovable in me is another twist on a theme. Lately I have had to trust God's voice, when satan has said, "You should have been a better mom to Grace. You got frustrated with her too easily. You didn't say enough to help her deal with fear and sadness and anger. Just because she didn't show it doesn't mean she didn't feel it. You should have tried harder to find the right answer to curing her cancer... You could have done more..." Would have, should have, could have. If I entertain these thoughts as truth for even a few minutes the weight of them crushes me. It breaks my heart and tears fall in waterfall fashion.

I pray for God to help me see His truth from the lies. If I believe the lies I go back to my buck teeth... I feel unlovable, unworthy and useless. God's truth whispers I did everything I knew how to as Grace's mom. I didn't do it perfectly, but I did it well. This is not the end of this issue for me I'm sure... but it is a start in getting beyond the unlovable.

Grace's rainbow of promise....