beyond the missing puzzle piece

I have a lot of unanswered questions running around in my head, my heart, and my spirit. They are fleeting though. I don't have the guts to fully form them. They leave me frightened and angry and bewildered. There is only one place to get the answers I need, but if I'm fully honest I've been hiding from the only One who holds them. Today the message at church was one of seeking to focus on the things that God invests in. There are only 2 things that go with us from this life into the next. Only 2 things that really matter in the end. The Word of God and the people he so desperately loves.

Confession time. I haven't read my bible in a long time. I haven't spent time seeking Him there. Not since she died. Not since I was forced into a goodbye we fought so hard against and prayed so fervently to avoid. Not for 8 months to this day. It's not that I've turned away from God. I love Him in the deepest parts of me. I still worship him, I still find joy in seeing Him in the beauty he created around me. I still pray. But whenever I think of reading His words in the bible I want to run. I won't pretend to understand why exactly, but today in church I could feel the spirit prompting me back.

When I picked it up this afternoon I was about to start in Job. Misery loves company right? Instead I felt drawn to the Psalms. I have always loved David's raw honesty with God. He wasn't one to shy away from strong emotion, and today I feel full of those. What better place to start in the book but at the beginning. What I read may seem ironic to some, coincidental to others, but simply providential to me. Psalm 1: 1-3 says, "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields fruit in it's season and who's leaf does not whither. Whatever he does prospers." The spirit prompted me to pick up His love letter, then immediately led me to a reassurance that He wants to give me deep roots through the living waters of his word to help me continue to grow even despite my pain. Only God.

It's been an emotional week. We took Grace's camper out on it's maiden voyage to one of her favorite places- Jellystone Park. The girls played joyfully in the water park for 4 days straight- with a little mini golf, arcade games, and time with Yogi bear thrown in. After Joy's second time down a water slide she got off the slide with her little 3 year old arms pumping into the air stating loudly and excitedly "This is the BEST- DAY- EVER!!!" It was a wonderful time overall. Perfect weather, lots of ice cream and not even one stolen picnic basket! But everywhere we went memories of Grace flooded my heart. Here's one of those many memories. The last time we were there with her she was about 5. She loved hanging out with older kids and whenever we were at the pool she would wander into a group of teens happily introducing herself and hanging around uninvited. They would be sweet at first, then look annoyed at this little kid who kept interjecting her opinions into their conversations. I would try to help them out by occupying her and encouraging her to let them be, but as soon as I would stop giving her 100% of my attention, she would rush back over again. The funny thing is that she would always win them over. Eventually they would invite her in and would play with her- actually having fun playing with the overzealous 5 year old! It happened over and over with several separate groups of Teens. Grace had such self confidence. It never occurred to her that someone wouldn't want to hang out with her. She was non-discriminatory about her friends. If you were human, animal, or pokemon- you were in. And she could find a friend and fun anywhere she was.

We got back from camping and went to Mae's soccer game as a family. She is so cute out there... still figuring out how the game works but trying as hard as she could to do her very best. She's so fast, and so proud of her efforts. Oh~ how I love that kiddo. But again, there was memories of Grace out on that field just last summer. Running despite the pain of her feeding tube and exhaustion from the harsh chemo treatments. She was a team player and was determined to play with her team mates unless she was actually confined to the hospital.

The next day on my way home from work I saw signs for our town's Relay For Life. We had planned on participating, but never got organized enough to find out when it was. So we quickly pulled things together and went to the event as a family, meeting up with my sister and her kiddo. Seeing so many people there and all the luminaries representing so many who have had to fight with cancer... it was overwhelming! We walked the track, lit luminary's we made in memory of Grace, and played some games with the girls. As we walked I thought back to the year before. We had been at a friends house on the day of the relay and drove by it on the way home. I wanted to stop with Grace and the girls, but my heart was broken thinking ahead to this year and wondering if we would be walking the track without her... praying for a miracle.

Yesterday the tears kept falling and I finally gave into hiding under my covers trying to escape the deep searing ache. I stayed there longer than I've allowed myself to ever do. I fantasized about never coming out. I did though... and went to see some wonderful friends who did my heart a lot of good.

Today's been 8 months. We spent time in Grace's garden, and Joe's been writing some beautiful poetry. I included one at the end of this blog. We got out of bed, let some tears fall and kept putting one foot in front of the other. Breathing in and out. Hugging Joy and Mae close and tight. We watched Star Wars- one of Grace's favorite movies. Tomorrow is another day that we will try to dance in the rain like Grace always did. We are not always as successful as she was, but she's a really good example to try to follow. Thanks for continuing to pray us through... and also for others who are living with a piece of the puzzle of their heart missing.

Don’t Fade

It isn’t fair that memories fade

I still hold you close in this heart that God made

A warm gentle kiss and a huge gleaming smile

If mischief could run it’d go on for miles

I loved when you came in for some snuggles

In the social department you never did struggle

Everyone was your friend and your heart you did share

They’d call out your name cause they knew that you cared

What a teammate you made, Even sick you played soccer

Wouldn’t let down your team, Each game you would conquer

Your laughter is missed and so are the sillies

Wish I could tease to hear “Oh Dad Really”

But each day that goes by memories just slip away

Please know that I love you right now here today

I have to keep writing so that you Don’t Fade

To just hold you close in this heart that God made

Beyond Words

It's been awhile since I last posted a blog~ again. I love to write, and I want to share, but thinking about sitting down and opening my heart to pain is something I tend to avoid. No big surprise I guess. It's easiest to just try not to think about anything. To leave my heart closed up and shut out the heartache... but it's obviously an impossible task, so maybe it's time to confront it head on.

Many people have encouraged me to write a book about our experiences over the last couple years. I've decided to start the process and see where it leads. Our little family has seen more than our fair share of challenges over the last 10 years or so. Maybe we've learned some things along the way that can help others. Maybe in telling the story we will find some resolution or purpose in what seems on the surface just to be a chaotic wake of tragedy. Maybe God can use this to bring good into someones life or bring them into a relationship with Him. If so, then it will be worth opening up my heart and risking a little. Wish me luck :)

Like most people we have had a really busy summer, and are living the classic mid west itinerary of packing as much as humanly possible into the few decent months of warm weather we get here. We've been to the zoo (one of the girls favorite places on earth!), gone to the beach, and done some camping in Grace's last gift to us. We've been working hard on Grace's garden and just have some finishing touches to put in (mulch & a campfire ring). It looks wonderful and we love spending time just hanging out there as a family. Last week Mae went to camp for the first time. I went with her and was the camp nurse for a few days. Thankfully no one got hurt too badly and I spent most of the time passing medications and patching up skinned knees, elbows and pulling out bee stingers. :) It was fun though. I got to meet a lot of sweet kids and it was such a cool opportunity to see Mae interact with other kids her age without being in her way.

Speaking of Mae, she started soccer practices this week. It's been bittersweet. It makes me ache for Grace. She loved playing soccer (although it was more for the love of her friends than the love of the sport), and I wish I could see her out there running and laughing and playing too. It's so amazing though to see Mae showing confidence, working on fitting in with friends and having fun. She is so excited to play, but I worry a little that she might feel she has to do things (like play soccer) just because Grace did. When getting ready for practice she wanted to wear Grace's soccer socks and her shoes and her soccer tee. I think she just looked up to Grace and is wanting to emulate her but I hope she feels like she is good enough just being the amazing kid SHE is, and not like she needs to try to fill Grace's empty shoes. Pray for this if you think of it. I know losing Grace is affecting the girls in ways we cannot see and I want them to be happy and filled up despite missing their sister. I know we will need extreme wisdom as parents to see the hurt they experience related to their own personal loss and know how to help each of them through it. It's a tall order, and I'm thankful we are not in it alone. Thanks for walking with us down this road.

Joe and I are getting though a day at a time. It's still ridiculously hard. If you know other families who have lost a child too soon, think about sending them a note or giving them some encouragement. This is a pain that is deep and wide and long suffering. They will need your love and understanding for a long time to come. An acquaintance asked me the other day, "So you got through it all OK then?" I was surprised at the visceral reaction I had to the question that was asked rather flippantly. NO! I am NOT through it... and I may never be OK again! I constantly have to filter what people say and see what they mean. I'm sure she wasn't try to be insensitive. How could she possibly know how it feels to experience such profound loss if she hasn't had to in her own personal experience? Maybe she assumed 7 months was enough time to recover and move on? It clearly is not. OK, sorry for the tangent. I'm still working on getting beyond words.

Beyond little earth

For obvious reasons my mind is more consumed with heaven than ever before. What must it be like? What will we see and experience there? I love the bible verse in Romans 1:20. It says, " For since the creation of the world, God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." What things in your mind leave you breathless when you see them? For me it's the brilliant colors in a rainbow, a sunrise, sunset or the contrasting light and shadows at dusk. ‎The soft sweetness of a baby's lips. The majesty of mountain peaks rising up from a deep valley gorge in between. A vast ocean that stretches so far beyond the shoreline that the horizon gets lost. The stillness and beauty of a woodland dripping with pieces of light through the canopy above. A sky filled with a constantly changing canvas of day and night and stars and sun and clouds. I feel like these wonders are glimpses God gives us into the indescribable perfection of heaven. I find myself more tuned into seeking out and exploring those times in God's creation, seeking to know Him better through the beauty He created.

Yesterday, church friends of Grace's gathered to paint rocks to have put in her memorial garden. They shared memories of her while painting the rocks, and after the meeting they came outside and encountered a rainbow. We saw it too! There's a picture of it below- the view from our living room window. Rainbows. A prism of color that happens at the point where storms and sunlight meet. Where life and God meet. Those kids at church saw the significance of a rainbow after time spent thinking about their friend. So did many others. Several people sent me pictures of rainbows yesterday, saying they remembered.... that thanks to rainbows they always would.

I think I mentioned this book before, but it was given to me to read not long ago and I loved it so much. It's called "Heaven is for Real", by Todd Burpo. Pick it up if you can. It's an easy read, but spoke to my heart in such a profound way because it's about a little boys experiences in heaven. It's not the bible, and for that reason needs to be read with that in mind.... but it was such a beautiful account that brought me such joy thinking about what Grace must be experiencing in her new reality. To be surrounded by our earthly glimpses of God's splendor all the time. Hollywood depicts heaven as white and peaceful. I suspect it is more colorful than anything our minds can fully conceive. The bible supports that too. Streets of gold, a crystal sea, comparing heavenly colors to rainbows, emeralds and sapphires. It's gonna be so good!

I'm off to work on Grace's Garden today getting help from my uncle and hubby to finish off the landscaping part of the project. Soon to plan flowers! I'll post more pictures in the next couple weeks. Enjoy the gifts God has given you today.

Beyond Enough

This blog entry is a bit disjointed but that is how I feel today.

Thank you for those of you praying for little Michael. He joined Grace last night and is exploring heaven today. Keep his family left behind lifted up before the God of all comfort. As they say their last goodbyes on earth and honor the short life he lived here. This world of childhood cancer is so ugly. Too many put in the ground. Too many who have won the battle for now, but at a very high price. Too many families torn up and left with questions only God himself can one day give an answer for. Please, stay on your knees for them.

Grace's garden is expanding. I added a bleeding heart given to us by a friend, and bought a rainbow of Iris' to come up next spring. (Did you know the Greek meaning of iris is actually "rainbow"? Cool tidbit.) We also put in a small water fountain yesterday. When we started it up Mae burst into tears. We couldn't decide if she was weeping or laughing, but when we asked her why she was crying she said, "It's just so beautiful!", while she clung to my leg, tears streaming. She often talks about how much Grace will like the garden. Yesterday she pointed at a cloud above the garden and said, "Maybe she can see it from there?" Bless her sweet soul. Here's a garden preview...

We try to find fun where we can and last week I took Mae and Grace's best friend to their first concert.... a boy band called "Big Time Rush". It was hilarious to see so many girls screaming and clamoring for a closer look at their crushes. I also got to introduce them to their first wave pool that day. Such little things mean so much more than they used to. A sunny day, good health, giggling girls, some music and water. The ingredients to a near perfect day.

Our little Joy is just that. She keeps me laughing in unexpected moments every day. She has the spitfire spark that was in Grace's eyes, but the sweetness of Mae too. She loves to sing and has learned how to change the words to a tune (thanks to daddy), giving a running description of the world through song. Our kids are such a beautiful gift.

I wish I could pull all 3 of my kids and Joe into another family hug. I wish I could dream of Grace. I wish I could complete a single memory of her before jumping to another and another. I wish I could cry more... and less. I wish I didn't feel at the edge of sanity in some moments and feel nothing at all the next. I wish I could stay in moments of joy for whole hours at a time. I wish I could get off this roller coaster. But I can't. I'm reminded the reason we wish for more than this life is because this is not our home. We are made for eternity. This will never be enough and that is a good thing. The longing in our souls gives us incentive to reach higher, love deeper, hold tighter and give freely.

These are my rambling thoughts for today.

Beyond Goodbye

It's been a long time since I posted anything new. Sorry. My heart just hurts so much sometimes it's easier to try and avoid the pain. Our Grace has been gone almost 6 months. Are you kidding me? It could have been yesterday. Most people would think the pain would be better by now, and truthfully in some ways it is and in other ways it's worse. I don't feel like I'm being torn in two every second of every day anymore, but with each day that passes I miss her more deeply. She feels farther away and I feel a little panicky if I let myself go there. I tear up unexpectedly when I catch a glimps of her on someones past face book pictures, or see a picture of a rainbow, or stumble across something of hers under the couch or behind a closet door, or in a bathroom drawer. I always leave those things there. Even though it makes me sad to see them, they are constant reminders that she is still a part of us and always be. I don't want to put any more of her away in a trunk or closet or garage. When I miss her too much I start to worry about her. The worry is like little weeds growing among beautiful flowers planted by God. They try to make their creeping roots deeper and take over the soil of my heart. They want to choke out the good God wants for me and destroy the joy God intends me to experience in life. I have to keep going back to the truth God has laid out in his word... that she is safe, and well, and happy, and healthy. Her body is buried under several feet of dirt in a quiet place where the wind whispers secrets and the sun shines full on her sparkly blue stone, but her spirit is free and living loud with the heavenly hosts. I feel myself relax and find air able to enter my lungs again. I'm beginning to fully realize we will never get over this, and pray for God to walk us though it the rest of our days here on earth.

In the last several weeks we have done many things as a family to remember our girl. We attended a memorial service with too many other families also going though the grief of loosing a child this last year while at Children's. Mae (our 7 year old) cried at the service. She's only cried a few times since Grace died, and I imagine it was good for her to see other brothers and sisters who had lost a sibling this year. To know she's not alone in her feelings and loss either.

We recently made a purchase in memory of Grace for our family. The last benefit blessed us enough to nearly break even financially after a very difficult time during Grace's long illness. Thank you again to all of you who were a part of that event. We felt so loved and even though it was a bitter-sweet day as she had just joined Jesus a few weeks before, it was such a testament to the many lives her life and story touched. Since our financial needs were met by the benefit, we used what was left of her life insurance after paying Grace's final expenses to buy a camper for our family. When Grace had first talked to the Make-a-Wish people she knew what she wanted. A camper. For ALL of us to enjoy and to be able to spend time together. That girl loved everything about camping. The camp fires, the getting hot and dirty then jumping in a cool lake, watching movies when it was raining, running in the woods, climbing trees, and sleeping "outside". The Make-a-Wish people talked her out of a camper and into a Disney trip, which was such a good thing. Had we gotten the camper at that time she never would have gotten to use it. Instead, we went to Disney World and she had the time of her life just 3 short weeks before she took her final earthly breath. So.... recently we honored Grace and bought her camper and took our family out for a trial run on the Memorial Day weekend. It was painful and wonderful. We should paint her name on it... and there will be more pictures of her on the walls in it soon too. We have several camping trips planned for the summer, and each time will thank Grace for such a beautiful gift.

We've been working hard on a garden in our backyard in memory of Grace. The money for all the flowers and shrubs was given to our family from Grace's 4th grade friends mom's specifically for a garden. I continue to stand amazed at peoples generosity and compassionate hearts. It will be beautiful but has been a ton of work and there is much still to do. So far it includes "Happy Return" Day Lillies, a "Superstar" Spiria bush, "Wine and Roses" Wigelia bushes, Miscanthus Flame Oriental Grass and a "Paul's Glory" Hasta. Most of the flowers will be in the pink/ purple/ blue hues as those were Grace's favorite colors... but all the colors of the rainbow will be represented somewhere too! The retaining walls are up and an angel statue is seated in her new garden home. I'll post some pictures here soon. My God-daughter celebrated her 10th birthday today. Grace and her were just a few months apart in age. Being the sweet heart she is, instead of donating her birthday money to the food shelf this year she wanted to give the money from her party to us to buy something for Grace's garden. Such a beautiful gift from a very special girl. Happy Birthday, honey. We love you and there is no doubt that your Mom and Grace had cake together today in honor of your birthday and were very proud of your generous heart.

Thank you to each of you for your continued prayers and for continuing to follow our journey of finding some measure of healing. I ask that you also pray for a little boy named Michael and his family. He is a 5 year old with the same cancer Grace had. Short of a miracle, he is nearing the end of his earthly journey and it just crushes my heart. Pray for his mom and dad and brother too. They will need God's tender love and comfort in the weeks or days to come and for the lifetime of healing following. I know that prayer makes a difference. We felt them during those darkest days walking Grace "home", and I know people from all over the world read this blog. The USA, Estonia, Singapore, Australia, Canada, Austria, United Kingdom, Guatemala, Denmark, India, Netherlands, New Zealand, Germany and others... please join us in lifting this family to heaven as they walk through and go beyond goodbye.

Beyond my circle of friends

I was recently at a retreat with many of the women from my church and was again reminded of the absolute importance of friendships in our lives. Where would we be without them? Our journey with Grace would have played out much differently had we not been supported the way we were. Each person who encouraged us along the way (and who still are) were undeserved and deeply valued.

Some people are easy to love. Some are more challenging. Why the difference? As a general rule I would say the people we encounter in life who are the most difficult to love are often the ones who most need it... the one's with a painful past, difficult circumstances and challenging mountains to climb. Jesus had close friends in his disciples but also went out of his way to spend time with those some may have seen as unlovable. A tax collector, a prostitute, a broke widow, some annoying kids...

On Sunday we rushed out of church to get to my mother-in-laws in order to spend some time with her before heading back to my grandpa's to celebrate mothers day there with my mom. As we drove though a really busy part of town we passed a young woman who was walking on the side of the road. Her hands were covering her face and it looked like she was crying. She was too thin, had piercings, dreadlocks and no belongings. There was no where to pull over where we saw her, and after we had passed her Joe asked if I saw that she was barefoot. I considered pulling over but we were in a hurry and I kept driving. We pulled into a drive through for lunch on the road and as we pulled out again a bible story slammed into my mind.

There was once a man who was also walking along a road. He was mugged, beat up and left for dead. Several people passed him on the road. A spiritual leader, a doctor, those who you would have expected to give a helping hand. But they were all too busy and self motivated to go out of their way. In the end a man who was least expected to stop did, then went way above and beyond what would have been expected of his station.

I had driven by her. As we pulled out of the parking lot I backtracked. I didn't figure there was any way she would still be there. The area where she was walking was so busy! Someone must have stopped to help. No one had. We pulled up behind her and I got out of the van and called to her. She turned around to face me and as I saw her face for the first time I wanted to weep. She looked so lost, so deeply hurt, so alone. I asked if she was OK, and if she wanted a ride somewhere. She managed to nod yes then broke into sobs. I didn't now what else to do so I hugged her. She told me a bit of her story and said she was trying to get to her parent house, but that they had kicked her out awhile ago. "I don't have anywhere else to go". I gave her a ride after asking if it would be a safe place. She opened up about some of the pain in her life on the way. When I asked, she told me she had already walked 2 miles (in bare feet while crying). Hundreds of cars had to have passed her. No one stopped to help. Why? Really? Then again I drove by too....

Even she was surprised that I had stopped. She said "Thank you. There aren't many people who would have pulled over to help out someone like me." Apparently she was right. I gave her my number when we got to the house and told her to call if she needed a place to stay... that we'd figure something out together. I asked if I could pray for her. She shook her head no, and I said that was OK. She started to get out of the car after thanking me again. Then she stopped and looked back in to look at me. "My name is ___". I maybe didn't pray with her in my car but believe me I haven't stopped praying for her since she told me her name. I'm not sure if I helped her as much as she did me.

Our friends are so important... but there are those outside our circle that need love too. I'd challenge you (as God has challenged me) to ask God to help you see those around you with his eyes and his heart. Maybe he wants to use you to encourage someone who needs it, or give hope to someone feeling hopeless. Helping that girl took me all of 15 minutes and a little extra gas. Maybe it was worth more to her than that though. I hope so.

Beyond Purpose

Good Friday feels different to me today in light of our experiences this last year. In December, we watched our daughter die. Day after day we sat next to her and silently pleaded with God to change His mind, to give her back, to take away her suffering. Our grief at her loss is at times overwhelming and can leave us emotionally naked. Last night on facebook I watched a video clip posted by a friend from the movie "Passion of the Christ". For most people I think the events of the day Jesus died are mostly an intellectual experience, something we can try to imagine for the sake of understanding and appreciation but something too big to really get our heads or hearts around. We get stuck in the phrases "died for our sins", "suffered on the cross", and "rose again". We hear it a zillion times and the words lose something in the repetition. As I watched that clip and saw the brutality and hatred taken out on Jesus body I nearly threw up. I shook. My mind spun. That was my best friend they were destroying. That was the one who held me in the darkest moments of this last year who was experiencing the utter loneliness of knowing the face of God turned away from him in that moment. It was my Jesus that chose to ask for forgiveness for the very ones who were inflicting his overwhelming pain. He chose to stay in that mind shattering experience of pain for me. I watched on the video as his mother Mary looked on in anguish. I realized that God only turned away because he had no other choice. How could He not sweep in and rescue Jesus if He continued to watch it all happen. I think He turned away from the cross to look at us. To see our faces and our utter hopelessness without the suffering of His only son. To remember the purpose and the plan of Jesus coming to earth in the first place.

Grief brings me closer to an understanding of Gods sacrifice. To the experience of God's separation from His son and Jesus endurance of extreme suffering. Sometimes we feel that God doesn't understand what we are going through in life. We question why God would allow suffering and pain and loss. But these experiences are something God & His Son understand intimately. I may not always understand His purpose for allowing things to happen the way they do... but I will trust Him. Today I am deeply thankful for Good Friday, for forgiveness of sins, and for the bridge the cross makes to heaven for anyone who receives the sacrificial gift. Because of it, today my daughter is with God's son.