Every person I know struggles with something, and most have recurrent issues... you know what I'm talking about. Those feelings or obstacles that keep coming up even when you think you've gotten beyond them. Inadequacy is one of those deep seeded issues for me.
When I was a kid, I had some issues that in my own mind at the time made me unlovable. I had buck teeth, unruly curly hair, knobby knees and was painfully shy. I got teased relentlessly for a couple years in elementary school on the bus and it's taken a long time to believe God's whispers in my ear over satan's shouting lies. Satan mocks me with, "You are ugly, awkward and have nothing to say that anyone would want to hear". It's easy to believe because I bought into it for so long. But God says, "You are exactly who I created you to be, and in my eyes you are beautiful (Psalm 139: 13-16). You are my child, a princess as I am the King (John 1: 12-13). If I am for you, why do you worry so much about what others think?" (Romans 8:28-31) When I really let these verses settle in my heart and use my spiritual ears to hear the truth of God, I believe it's true.
Satan knows my point of weakness and often tries new tactics to keep me quiet. Guilt tied to the unlovable in me is another twist on a theme. Lately I have had to trust God's voice, when satan has said, "You should have been a better mom to Grace. You got frustrated with her too easily. You didn't say enough to help her deal with fear and sadness and anger. Just because she didn't show it doesn't mean she didn't feel it. You should have tried harder to find the right answer to curing her cancer... You could have done more..." Would have, should have, could have. If I entertain these thoughts as truth for even a few minutes the weight of them crushes me. It breaks my heart and tears fall in waterfall fashion.
I pray for God to help me see His truth from the lies. If I believe the lies I go back to my buck teeth... I feel unlovable, unworthy and useless. God's truth whispers I did everything I knew how to as Grace's mom. I didn't do it perfectly, but I did it well. This is not the end of this issue for me I'm sure... but it is a start in getting beyond the unlovable.
We all have these things in our lives that we wish we had control over. The truth is, we can only control our own actions. And as a mother, I have absolutely no doubt that you did everything in your power for your little girl - all of them actually. Just remember to breathe in the truth of the situation. It doesn't make it okay, but it makes it bearable for a second. (Speaking from my own situation right now.) Love you and yours!
ReplyDeleteOh Annette. My heart just breaks for you. I too have had all of those feelings and continue to struggle. Being a mom is the hardest thing ever and then to have to go through heartbreaking treatments for your child and then the devastating loss of Malia ~ words can not even express my sympathy. You were wonderful with Malia and the best thing you can do for her now is to continue loving your other beautiful girls. We all get frustrated with our kids, don't say the right things...but at the end of the day...how much we love them and would do ANYTHING for them is what counts. Thinking about you always and wishing I could help take some of the hurt away. We will continue to fight for kids with cancer in the hopes that someday what Malia went though will NEVER have to happen to another child.
ReplyDeleteThanks for these words Annette. They spoke to me today in deep ways. You are reaching adn changing so many people, as did Grace.
ReplyDeleteNot a single doubt in my mind that "Grace" stepped into Heaven with the unshakable knowledge that her Mamma loved her. She's up there telling everyone that when her Mamma smiled, her room lit up like the sunshine and the unruly curls that fell onto her balding head provided warmth on every hospital bed snuggle session.
ReplyDeleteMy prayer today for you Annette... for God to show you what I see... what I feel... what I think... when "Annette" crosses my mind.
Be blessed. Know you are loved. Always, Always.
These things you feel are truly the voice of Satan and not what God or anyone else around you thinks or feels. God has made you a remarkable mother and friend! I see so much strength and courage in you. I look up to you, and especially find comfort and inspiration in the words that you post. Your strength and closeness to God amaze me everyday! I thought that my journey has brought me closer to God, but I find myself still wondering and asking questions. You have shown so much love and compassion not only to Grace, but to the rest of your family, and your friends! We appreciate your loving every day. I am often in awe when I see you, and have a hard time expressing my deep feeling for you, but it comes out easier in messages on face book or here! You are truly a GREAT mother, wife, and friend!
ReplyDeleteLove and Hugs, every day
Beth
It makes me sad to think that you feel you were not a good enough Mom to Grace. What I always saw was a patient, understanding mom with a good sense of humor, who would do anything to help her daughters. You have always been an inspiration to me on parenting a child with different needs well. Grace's happiness and sense of peace right up to the end was a testament of her faith, AND of the love, security, support, and understanding that YOU both gave her. Perfection (thank goodness) is not expected from us. You did well. God is proud and so are we.
ReplyDeleteAnnette- I have had many a day where I felt like I was or am a "bad mother." I feel very pulled right now with working so much because I need to. Schoolwork has also taken time away from my kids but I know it is so I can provide more for them with John not working. Guilt is such a difficult feeling to have and live with. Remind yourself everyday that you ARE a good mom and that you have done everything you can to be the best woman, wife, mother, sister, aunt, friend, etc. that you could be with the gifts you were given. I have always looked up to you and your view on the optimistic side of things despite troubled times both at work and from a personal perspective. No one can give back what was taken from you and Joe. Grace is there with you on those difficult days cheering on your continued efforts as a wonderful person. No longer is God carrying you... Grace is now carrying you on the days you need strength. Abby just listened to me read the post about the rainbow and drew a lovely picture of a rainbow and a sun for Grace. Remember...you are loved. :)
ReplyDeleteSuch a hard lesson for all of us to learn. Praying for you.
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