Grief brings me closer to an understanding of Gods sacrifice. To the experience of God's separation from His son and Jesus endurance of extreme suffering. Sometimes we feel that God doesn't understand what we are going through in life. We question why God would allow suffering and pain and loss. But these experiences are something God & His Son understand intimately. I may not always understand His purpose for allowing things to happen the way they do... but I will trust Him. Today I am deeply thankful for Good Friday, for forgiveness of sins, and for the bridge the cross makes to heaven for anyone who receives the sacrificial gift. Because of it, today my daughter is with God's son.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Good Friday feels different to me today in light of our experiences this last year. In December, we watched our daughter die. Day after day we sat next to her and silently pleaded with God to change His mind, to give her back, to take away her suffering. Our grief at her loss is at times overwhelming and can leave us emotionally naked. Last night on facebook I watched a video clip posted by a friend from the movie "Passion of the Christ". For most people I think the events of the day Jesus died are mostly an intellectual experience, something we can try to imagine for the sake of understanding and appreciation but something too big to really get our heads or hearts around. We get stuck in the phrases "died for our sins", "suffered on the cross", and "rose again". We hear it a zillion times and the words lose something in the repetition. As I watched that clip and saw the brutality and hatred taken out on Jesus body I nearly threw up. I shook. My mind spun. That was my best friend they were destroying. That was the one who held me in the darkest moments of this last year who was experiencing the utter loneliness of knowing the face of God turned away from him in that moment. It was my Jesus that chose to ask for forgiveness for the very ones who were inflicting his overwhelming pain. He chose to stay in that mind shattering experience of pain for me. I watched on the video as his mother Mary looked on in anguish. I realized that God only turned away because he had no other choice. How could He not sweep in and rescue Jesus if He continued to watch it all happen. I think He turned away from the cross to look at us. To see our faces and our utter hopelessness without the suffering of His only son. To remember the purpose and the plan of Jesus coming to earth in the first place.