Monday, June 13, 2011

Beyond Enough

This blog entry is a bit disjointed but that is how I feel today.

Thank you for those of you praying for little Michael. He joined Grace last night and is exploring heaven today. Keep his family left behind lifted up before the God of all comfort. As they say their last goodbyes on earth and honor the short life he lived here. This world of childhood cancer is so ugly. Too many put in the ground. Too many who have won the battle for now, but at a very high price. Too many families torn up and left with questions only God himself can one day give an answer for. Please, stay on your knees for them.

Grace's garden is expanding. I added a bleeding heart given to us by a friend, and bought a rainbow of Iris' to come up next spring. (Did you know the Greek meaning of iris is actually "rainbow"? Cool tidbit.) We also put in a small water fountain yesterday. When we started it up Mae burst into tears. We couldn't decide if she was weeping or laughing, but when we asked her why she was crying she said, "It's just so beautiful!", while she clung to my leg, tears streaming. She often talks about how much Grace will like the garden. Yesterday she pointed at a cloud above the garden and said, "Maybe she can see it from there?" Bless her sweet soul. Here's a garden preview...
We try to find fun where we can and last week I took Mae and Grace's best friend to their first concert.... a boy band called "Big Time Rush". It was hilarious to see so many girls screaming and clamoring for a closer look at their crushes. I also got to introduce them to their first wave pool that day. Such little things mean so much more than they used to. A sunny day, good health, giggling girls, some music and water. The ingredients to a near perfect day.

Our little Joy is just that. She keeps me laughing in unexpected moments every day. She has the spitfire spark that was in Grace's eyes, but the sweetness of Mae too. She loves to sing and has learned how to change the words to a tune (thanks to daddy), giving a running description of the world through song. Our kids are such a beautiful gift.

I wish I could pull all 3 of my kids and Joe into another family hug. I wish I could dream of Grace. I wish I could complete a single memory of her before jumping to another and another. I wish I could cry more... and less. I wish I didn't feel at the edge of sanity in some moments and feel nothing at all the next. I wish I could stay in moments of joy for whole hours at a time. I wish I could get off this roller coaster. But I can't. I'm reminded the reason we wish for more than this life is because this is not our home. We are made for eternity. This will never be enough and that is a good thing. The longing in our souls gives us incentive to reach higher, love deeper, hold tighter and give freely.

These are my rambling thoughts for today.


  1. I have followed your journey silently from the beginning when "Grace" was diagnosed. Every time I have ever read anything you have posted,I am so amazed at the dept of your faith and the love that you carry. I just want you to know how I appreciate your willingness to open your heart and your life to those of us who "silently" care about you and your family and are amazed by you. Thank you for sharing your journey, while it breaks my heart as a mother and grandmother, it lifts my heart as a person and a Christian. Sue Bass

  2. Thank you for another beautiful post. I have not been where you are, so I can't begin to imagine what it is like. But I see that God is holding you, giving you strength (and even joy!), and blessing many people through your life and words. May the peace that passes understanding give you what you need for each day. May you feel God's spirit in and around you and your family. May your friends be an encouragement when the load seems too heavy.